Julia Roberts Without Makeup

Julia Roberts Without Makeup

So tomorrow night when TNT shows Pretty Woman for the bazillionth time (true number, look it up) I want you to look at this picture and decide if its really a good idea to throw away 2.5 hours – yes, its only 119 minutes long but don’t forget Ted Turner’s commercials – of your life you’ll never get back. This is what Richard Gere is trying to nail and Hector Elizondo is worshipping all movie long.

I’m not doing this because I hate Julia, so don’t go there. I just hate Pretty Woman. The plot reads like something out of the diary of a 14-year old girl. You know, the same one who saw Titanic 34 times and only stopped because her parents threatened to take her iPhone away. The same one who now all grown up thinks Ryan Reynolds is a good actor. You’re SMARTER than she is. Don’t get caught watching the same crappy movie.

Sure, an insanely wealthy, good looking male model-type like Richard Gere is going to make a cheap hooker his wife. Riiiiiiight. Please put down the crack pipe and step away. Just step away.

You know what would be fun? If Nora Ephron wrote a remake. After her divorce from boozehound Carl Bernstein, Nora went on a man-hating rampage and wrote a revenge flick: Heartburn. Yes, the pic blew thunder chunks but acid fairly dripped from the screen. She’d be perfect for this project.

In Nora’s remake Richard Gere would wake up one day and realize “Hey, maybe spending the rest of my life with a street hooker ain’t such a good idea after all”. Gere jilts Julia. First Julia sulks with a case of champagne she steals from Gere. Then Julia sobers up, gets angry, gets a gun, hunts Gere down and kills him. The End. That would actually be believable, and Julia already has that final part down cold having done a nice job of killing off Patrick Bergin in the campy but delightful Sleeping With The Enemy.

Maybe you’d spend 10 bucks to watch the remake, maybe not. What you shouldn’t do is waste another night watching a Pretty Woman rerun. You’ll thank me later. Or with all of that time you’ve saved you could spend some more time here on SWM. Its not like that would take 2.5 hours.